How Many Shoes Can Fall?

Just when I thought it was safe...seems I was mistaken. I THOUGHT he was over spying on me but apparently I was very wrong. You'd think I was the one who started this mess. Yet here I was/am trying to bite my tounge, not be intrusive and rebuild this marriage only to discover him reading my e-mails and messages. That's cool. I got nothing to hide OR be ashamed of. I mean, seriously...give me a break just when am I supposed to have the time (or ENERGY) to carry out an affair?! I am with 3 kids under the age of 5 ALL day!! DUH!!!

Besides the fact that I am still COMPLETELY head over heels for him. Even after all that crap while I was pregnant. Why can't he get THAT?! Drives me nuts!!! I still ache when he isn't around, I still smell his pillow once he leaves for work ( he doesn't know that though) and am impatient for his return. Just tickss me off, ticks me off, ticks me off...that he feels he has to resort to this petty bull!! Will he ever understand and know I don't WANT anyone else that I only need him? Too bad he doesn't read THIS blog!! Maybe he'd get it because telling him obviously hasn't worked so well.

Bull, More Bull...and Respite

Wow! Last week was such a bunch of crap I just didn't blog 'cause...my mind and soul were just torn to shreds. This week is looking WAY better.

Let's clean up he crap from last week so I can really focus this week. First, CW was off all week on shut-down and since he watches my eating habits I was even MORE conscious of my food choices. My stomach was NOT happy and rewarded me swiftly and justly. Really sucks and is weird at the same time. I mean I'm already very aware of food and then...to be put on "super alert" was mentally (and physically) exhausting. He's back to work and so...

Of course we fought. Of course. Par for the course (day before we had people comin over for the 4th). But when he leaves his phone at home, doesn't tell me where he's going, when he'll be home and doesn't call for 9 HOURS!!! What the hell does he expect my reaction to be when he DOES meander home? Gratitude? Ass! You left me with the 3 Goobers (yeah...the ones I take care 24/7 without nary a break except errands) and don't even bother to CALL?! And HE didn't even call, he had his SISTER call!! The stupid broad hasn't even bothered to contact us in 3 years or even see how her mom is doing an you stop in to SEE her?! WTF???!!! And have her call me?! Dumb, dumb and dumb!!! After 16 years he should'a known that wasn't a bright idea...ANY of it!! So as soon as he walked in, I walked out and went to have a drink at a downtown bar. Not a great idea...but I never think too rationally when angry. When I got home words were said and then we got calm and started TALKING. Insecurity and mistrust are never good bed partners and unfortunately we both have that crap to muddle through. Anyway...

And to top it off I manage to catch poison oak yet again this summer and this time it is really bad and hurts, itches and is REALLY gross/pus yuck.

But...this week has started of really cool. CW & I are easy with each other and are continuing to talk and actually taking some extra time to ourselves to do it. Goober #1 started Session II swimming lessons and is LOVING it. He's jumpin off the diving board which is cool and he thinks so too. I am having a slight blood increase knowing they will be taking his swim belt off but... The other 2 Goobs have been enjoying the fresh air while waiting for lessons to be over and are lovin the swings.

I've been having trouble sleepin again more due from the fact I am more creative in the wee hours of the night and feel more sluggish come morning and during the day. But because everyone is in bed I am limited in activities so...been takin to sittin outside in the quiet of the night. What's neat about where we live is that although it's considered the "bad" part of town there are lots of homes with large yards and HUGE trees that have been here forever. They block out streetlights in our backyard and the neighborhood gets real quiet too. . So it lends to a serene setting. What has been killer though is...the MOON!! Lots of people like full moons or half moons but...this moon has been just a sliver for the past 6 days and it is...no words...So I gather my thoughts at night and prepare for the next day. I will be sad when this moon phase is over. But...new beginnings right?

Mostly On My Own

Crappy day today. I was talking to someone about issues with CW but have now realized she and my husband are much closer (friend-wise) so now...I'm back to just me, my thoughts and feelings because I feel less free to discuss all my stuff wondering if it will end up in my husband's ear. So now I am back to battling them out on my own. It really sucks. I stopped talking to family because well...I don't want to bias them against CW nor do I want advice. I just want someone to LISTEN. I have no other friends except this person and now...no one.

The feelings of isolation continue to grow and I have noticed myself resorting to old "techniques" of control. Unfortunately for me, they relate around food. I have been calorie counting again and refusing food. I make sure others see me "eat" just to throw them off. No need to worry others right? I've also taken to exercising in private too. To do it outright would throw a red flag up if they notice THAT and the weight loss. I've tried to stop but...I feel isolated and out of control mentally that I know I'm doing this to get some control back. Damn! I KNOW I'm doing this!!! Why can't I stop?

I also have been holding others off about why I haven't made an appointment with my endocrinologist too. "I've been busy", "Takes a while for lab work"...I just don't care. That's the real reason. How do you tell someone that? Because then I get, "You're being selfish." Those kids need you." "Fine! Kill yourself then!" Yeah, helpful responses people. Thanks! Makes me feel SO much better about it. When in fact, it just sinks me deeper into my solitary abyss. Yea.

Well...tomorrow is another day. Let's see.

A Long and Exciting Day for the Goobers

Today was a long, but great, day for the Goobers. VBS ended with an evening program that included music by the kids and a slide show. WOW!! Our oldest is growin SO fast. Earlier he graduated from his swimming class and will be moving up to the next class. I am so proud of him. He has the biggest grin when he is in that water!! Way to go Bubs!!!

I Wish I Could...

...get out of this junk I'm wading in and celebrate the wonderful accomplishments of the Goobers today. I mean, Goober #1 went down the pool slide by himself, Goober #2 is really being a wonderful girl and Goober #3 seems to be adjusting to this teething thing. Me? I'm down.

So while I want to celebrate (although I never let the kids see any different) I am feeling like a prisoner lately. Let's be clear though. A prisoner in Federal Prison. You know, decent meals, decent clothes, decent housing, time out and yet...lacking any "real" freedom or privacy for that matter. In fact, I hate to blog it down because...I feel invaded (not by bloggers...)...yet...So what happens in times when I feel like there is no "outlet"...I start shutting off from others. Habit that is hard to break even after all these years. Unfortunately there is only one area that causes this heartache and it's my marriage. Yeah, I probably SHOULD talk to him but, to be truthful, he's the cause of the hurt and the one I want at the greatest distance. Not good when you are trying to SAVE a marriage. Besides, he cares about how everyone else is and how their lives are and pretty much leaves me be. Whatever. I feel alone and so very sad.

Another Day...Another Week

This week has been...LONG. Goober #1 started swim lessons on Monday. He was scared to let go of the instructor so they moved him to Tot As. He's doin EXCELLENT!! Good for him!!

Then Goober #2 fell ill on Tuesday. PHHHTTT!!! So, I ended up spending most of the night up checking her temp, calming her down, and giving alternating Motrin/Tylenol to break her fever to no avail. She took a rare morning nap for 2 days although was racin around the rest of the day. I get so nervous when these kids have fevers but no other symptoms. By the 3rd day she was fine. Weird. Although on Day 2...the boys fell down with the Mystery Temperature. So I spent the next few days up at night with them.

To top it off Goober #3 is teething and so wants to nurse, nurse, nurse (suck/pressure thing). So last night after nursing him 2xs in a row I just laid him down in hopes he'd fall asleep. I went outside, was having a smoke only to be confronted by my irrate husband who couldn't sleep because of the crying. I said, "I already nursed him twice." "Fine!" was his reply. I followed him up the stairs and asked him, "What would you like me to do?" No reply. He stormed into the bedroom and proceded to pick up Wailin Boy. I told him, "Just go. Go to bed. I'll nurse him again. But I just NURSED him." "Well, I've got to get sleep!!" (Ha! Tell me about it. I'm workin on 8 hours of sleep myself ya ass) So off he went. Nursed the Babe...again...laid his sleepy butt down only to be rewarded with...."WWWWAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Screw it! I got a bottle, put water/juice mix (90/10) in it and gave it to him! Bingo! Sleepin baby!! Unfortunately when he woke at night the boy coulda used his diaper as a floatation device!

CW is being a boob again and I'm not sure what to do. Funny (not ha,ha funny) that when I do something he doesn't like he yells, accuses, and name-calls. Yet when he does the exact same thing? I'M the one with "issues". Uh...okay. Sure. If it eases your mind and guilt Babe. You go right ahead and blame him. Dork! Ah....forward march!

What IS This Liquid?

Yesterday I was sitting at the computer browsing my current obsession ( ebay) when Goober #1 announces he "has to pee Mommy". Off he goes with Goober #2 (Lord knows the girl can't let him pee in private) up the stairs. I continue with my obsession (while listening to their banter upstairs..."No", "Go away", "I gotta pee Sissy"...) only to be interrupted by a "drip, drip, drip". I look towards the living room to see a couch pillow with a large wet spot getting dripped on from our CEILING, which is right over...that's right, the bathroom!

I rush upstairs, and although I didn't hear water running...I was SURE they had secretly turned it on. I hit the landing, rounded the corner only to see Goober #1 still hanging out by the potty and Goober #2 just outside the door. No water on. Hmm...how odd. Only to look down at the floor and see a huge puddle. Apparently Goober #1 managed to get as far as his pants down before he peed on the floor...OVER the floor vent.Now, if ya know about old homes, ya know in 1941 some "vents" were actually holes in the floor so the heat would rise from the chimney or furnace. So, what I assumed was our children playing in water and it seeping through the floor, was actually our son not making it to the potty, peeing on the floor and thus dripping urine through the living room ceiling. Ahh...good times, good times.