Bite me Martha!

Honestly, I love Martha Stewart but as I completed my latest project, I realized my home will NEVER be a "Martha Stewart home". You know what I am talking about, beautifully arranged pieces, coordinating color schemes, gorgeous shabby chic furniture, the smell of cinnamon from freshly baked apple pie wafting through the air. I LOVE those homes. I see them whenever I flip through a BHG or MS Living  magazine. I have tried, truly I have, to re-create these rooms but I find myself drawn to the whimsical rather than beach-calming themes. To buy the bright rather than the neutral shabby chic accessories. So I may never have a gorgeously arranged decorator perfect home..but it should be interesting.

My latest "addition" that has landed on the wall opposite the children's art wall (see previous post on clothes pin hangers "You Got Sumptin' To Say?) are flowers painted with chalkboard paint. Here was my inspiration: http://www.alphabetgardendesigns.com/store/p/214-Chalk-Flowers-Wall-Decal-.aspx But seriously..$44?! Alright, I get that they are removable but still...$44?!  I had chalkboard paint from a previous project (I think it was $6) and used that for the flowers. I made my own pattern with, hold onto your hats, dishes and cups. Ooo..tricky. Then used a projector and Willy Wonka font (and saying) for above the flowers. The words were painted with acrylic paint for $.97 each (another $6). End result:

The Goobers love being able to chalk on the wall. Now the entire hallway is devoted to THEIR creativity. They help carve their environment. I think that is WAY better than a Martha Stewart home. Shh...I'm still gonna hope for a home like that though SOMEDAY...just not today.♥

Beginnings and Endings

My father lay in a hospital bed in my parent's front room, his body an immobile lump under the sheet. His eyes stared unseeing through a gray film. His skin was yellow, his breathing shallow. I held his warm hand, tenderly stroking the fingers and face, kissing him. He was vulnerable and open, like a child.

His attention seemed focused on an inner struggle, on breaking the last threads that tied him to his body - one he had clearly outgrown. He was struggling toward death, just as our children had once struggled to be born. I sat by Dad's side, stroking his forehead, swabbing his mouth with water, talking to him. I felt like a midwife, supporting him through this passage. 

I reflected back on how my husband had played this role for me during labor  of our children- holding my hand, stroking my forehead, and talking to me as I moved through each contraction. After hours of laboring I felt I had reached my limit; I was exhausted, and the pain was excruciating. Responding to my husband’s encouragement, I reached deep down into myself for the strength and courage to go on. And then I began pushing, past my limitations, past old concepts of who I was. Both a baby and a mother were born.  Both of us had let go of the limited space of an old world, had struggled through a long, dark passage and finally emerged.

My father struggled through that long passage. He labored to free himself of bodily limitations and emerge into pure spirit. The nurse cleaned and prepared each of our children in a kind and loving manner to present to  my husband and I; in return I assisted preparing our Dad for his final resting place with his Heavenly Father It was my last earthly gift of respect and love. Birth and death  are so closely linked, though at opposite ends of life’s spectrum. These events change us; we will never be the same.

 It is difficult to describe the loss of our Dad. I have lost the parent I looked to for advice on various things. The parent who had the strongest hands I'll ever know. Just as I became a new person when our children were born I am having to get used to this new person I have become now that our Dad is gone. I have described our family as: Mom is the heart but Dad was the steel structure that held it together. Then I realized...they BOTH built that house on the foundation of Christ. It is a house that will stand FOREVER! So even in mourning I can draw on that fact and that ONE day...I will see my Daddy again!

Gently Into That Goodnight

Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gently into that goodnight" and to "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" for his ailing father. I get what I think he was feeling. He was feeling selfish. He didn't want his father to die, no matter how strained their relationship was. He wanted him to resist it. Fight it. He wanted his father longer. Honestly, I can't say I blame him.

When many people started asking lately if I was okay, I realized I really have not filled many people in on what has been going on with our family. Our father was diagnosed with colon cancer last year. He has been through several rounds of radiation/chemotherapy combination. Some of it has been successful but his pain has never fully subsided and has in the past few months grown incredibly bad for him. Recently he was admitted to the hospital for bleeding where we were informed he is in liver failure. He/we were given a few weeks, months tops.

In each of our own ways (brother, sisters, Mom), we have dealt with this news. Mine was to close in tighter to my family. I did NOT want to share with anyone else what was going on. In my mind I think if I "denied" it to others I could prolong the inevitable. But really...I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to keep my Daddy to myself. All to me. I didn't WANT to share him with others. I didn't want them to hear about this once strong and stubborn man now thin and frail and confused. Because I still see him as the man who lead family prayer time, the man who witnessed to the lost, the man I argued with when I was a teenager...I want to KEEP those memories, I wasn't ready to share him with others. I wanted to be selfish. I am the one who wants to "RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT"!!!

Bur God is ready for his child. He has been ready for my father before even his first breath. And to be honest I thank God for letting me borrow this man, if even for a short time. It hasn't been an easy time, but I wouldn't exchange ANY of these 38 years I have had with my Daddy! I love you Dad...more than you can ever possibly know.

You Got Sumptin' To Say?

I think I'm on craft blog overload. SO many craft blogs. I finally had to stop reading them so I would actually DO one of the frippin' crafts!

One of the crafts was a simple decoupage of wooden clothespins. The kids painted them, I used scrapbook paper to place on the front with a bit of glue and sealed them with some sealer I had on hand. I then hot glued the lil' suckers (the clothespins, not the kids) onto the wall and hung the children's artwork from them. Tidied up my fridge and they LOVE the fact that their drawings are now our wall art. Easy-peasy!

And a bit messy...but fun. Also great to change the pictures/drawings out for new ones.

The next project was taken from: http://brownpaper--packages.blogspot.com/2009/09/seasonal-wood-blocks.html  Just a heads up in case you do what I did...those 4x4's are actually 4x4x4's (blocks). I hear you snickering at me...Look I saw 4x4...knew I had some...didn't register the POST part of it...phhttt... No worries, instead of 7 blocks I ended up with 14 (2 letters per block) thinner squares. It will actually work better for me that they are 4x4s since I can put them on a narrow shelf along the wall.

Another great thing is since I had the 4x4s from a project the husband & I didn't finish, and glue, and sanding paper already on hand; the only things to purchase were the letters and paint for the blocks. I had gotten a gift card for Christmas to a craft store AND the letters were on sale..SCORE!! The paint was simple acrylic paint from Walmart for $1.57. ♪Happy♫ Here is my finished version (minus the rest of the letters, but you get the point)

Besides the fact that the children chose the paint and letter colors, the best part of the whole craft was when my husband came home...I heard him mumble, "What is a dokdot ?!" He was reading the back of the blocks! ROFL!! If you try this craft, post a picture..I'd love to see your version.

Rainbows and Silver Linings

It has been a very LONG year. A diagnosis of cancer. The death of a precious cousin. The passing of a strong Godfather. The loss of a niece's close friend. Now to face limited time with a Father. Wow!

I have grieved and cried. Yet never have I questioned God as to, "Why?". A long time ago I read an article about grief and sorrow. Injustices that people "accuse" God of. In the article it spoke of people asking "Why me God?" or "Why him/her?" The author responded: "Why NOT?" As a Christian I believe God ALWAYS has a purpose so why when heartache or trials come would I think suddenly those things become without purpose. Because they happened to me or those I loved? Seems a bit self-centered. So I stopped asking God "Why?"

I ask God now, "Please help me learn what You need me to and be able to help others with that lesson if I can." It HAS been a long year but the rainbows and silver lings come in the fact that I know God has a purpose for me and lessons to learn. Things I need to know. Things I need to share with others. My road isn't meant to be "easy" and smooth because I am a believer. My life is meant to have ruts and potholes that make me cling tighter to the one in the Driver's seat on my Life journey. Eventually though I will see that the rains have cleared, the road is dry and the clouds are bright again. Right now...I'm hanging on...I see the road is getting bumpy ahead.

Seventy-Seven Times

Forgiveness. It is an easy thing to say you have given when another has "wronged" you, yet another thing to really mean it. I have tried to write my thoughts on this subject for many years. Some thoughts have been about my wrongs against others, some thoughts have been about other people's "wrongs" towards me and yet both came from the vantage point of anger ultimately. Not true forgiveness then was it? So I never wrote them down...God has a way of checking your heart for you. ;)God also has a way of making me face what I need to, when I need to; and forgiveness was a lesson I learned to give fully to EVERYONE only recently.

As a child my siblings and I were taught to "forgive" as God forgave us. Since that was an abstract thing to grasp, I learned how to forgive through automation. It was the "right" thing to do.
In my teen years,as my family fell away from the Church because of conflicts my father had with its leaders, I learned how to hold a grudge. It was an ugly thing really now when I look back. I held grudges for YEARS! She pulled my hair in school, she was a snit in my book for LIFE. I could never forgive HER. He said something mean or rude. Forget him! He's a jerk...for LIFE! I could never forgive HIM!. Sense anger here? Yeah so in the process of harboring these grudges, I started harboring anger. What a pleasant person I must have been to have around.

I started  forgiving and letting go of imagined and real hurts around the time my husband and I got married. Honestly, is hard to harbor so much anger when love displaces it. Yet even this "forgiveness" was not true forgiveness because if I thought back on those "wrongs" I'd get angry all over.

When did I really start and continue to forgive? About the time our first child was born. It was the same time I started getting "straight" with God. What I realized about this time was, I couldn't fully forgive until I was fully forgiven. I had done horrible things, said horrible things and seen horrible things...I needed to be renewed. For my family, for myself. Once I let God's grace engulf me...I saw clearly. I now needed to forgive. Forgive those who harmed me physically, emotionally and spiritually in the past, those who continue to do so in my present and those who will do so in my future. It is not easy to forgive and let go of the transgression. In fact, sometimes I still find myself wanting to get and stay angry. No one benefits from that. Not me. Not the other person(s). Not those around me who will see and learn from my reactions (ie: the children). So I let it go. Many times I hear people say, "I can forgive but not forget." Then to be honest, you have yet to learn to truly forgive. Releasing it from being a part of you is the other half of forgiveness. It is probably the hardest part to put into practice too.

Jesus once said to Peter "I tell you not seven times, but seventy-seven times", when Peter asked how many times he should forgive his brother of sins he acts against him. Now I don't know if I can forgive the same sin by the same person that many times...but how freeing it is to forgive and forget at all.

Here is the trick though: forgiveness is ongoing. It never ends. It includes forgetting and starting fresh. Forgive yesterday, today and tomorrow because the only person you keep in a prison of grudges and anger is yourself..

Tis The Season

Here we are...17 days before Christmas and I've been meaning to write about this subject for a while now so figure I better get to it before I forget for another year.

Christmas 2005: after surveying the leftover wrapping, watching our eldest quickly move from toy to-soon-abandoned toy, and having a sense of dread (second child was going to be born in 5 days) of Christmases to come; my husband and I made a decision. We decided on 3 gifts per child (little did we know what a fantastically liberating idea). We decided this for two reasons: 1. financially it was INSANE to try and "out-do" last year and 2: we wanted to re-focus on WHY we celebrate Christmas. So now the children get 1 gift they really want, 1 gift they really need and 1 gift the whole family can enjoy together.

Now why am I mentioning this? Because I am AMAZED at how many people who find out this is what we do (3 present rule) think this is a great idea. I'm not amazed by the fact they think it is a great idea, but that these same people are scurrying for boatloads of presents the following years. See, this is where an idea and its implementation fall apart.

I can only assume it is because of guilt. Here's what I mean: one Christmas when our second child was little we opted not to put up a tree so we wouldn't have to worry about broken ornaments, pine needles in little knees or feet or having the whole tree pulled down. I felt SO guilty. But why? Christmas still came. The children still saw their relatives. We still enjoyed the holidays. Yet in society we see images of Christmas and how Christmas "should" be so when it is "less than" we feel guilty. So people put up trees, buy loads of presents, deck the halls with enough lights and tinsel to wrap the World in gaudiness for years. For what?!

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying to be a "Scrooge" and poo-poo Christmas. I am saying that so many times you hear during the Christmas season to "Keep the Spirit of Christmas alive all year long". If Christmas were about monetary things then we should all be buying and giving like this once every month. Now doesn't that seem ridiculous? Of course it does! We should decorate everyday in ornaments and ribbon and lights? I think I'd hate red and green by March. Cookies should be baked everyday of the year. Okay...well THAT isn't a bad thing, but you get my point.

For me, Christmas means focusing less on all the gift giving, tree trimming, and the pretty "packaging" and BE better at this whole human thing. To remember that time and kindness with and towards others should be our objective, at Christmas and always. As a Christian I get to focus more on my Savior than seeing things as my salvation. What better way to celebrate it there really?