Seventy-Seven Times

Forgiveness. It is an easy thing to say you have given when another has "wronged" you, yet another thing to really mean it. I have tried to write my thoughts on this subject for many years. Some thoughts have been about my wrongs against others, some thoughts have been about other people's "wrongs" towards me and yet both came from the vantage point of anger ultimately. Not true forgiveness then was it? So I never wrote them down...God has a way of checking your heart for you. ;)God also has a way of making me face what I need to, when I need to; and forgiveness was a lesson I learned to give fully to EVERYONE only recently.

As a child my siblings and I were taught to "forgive" as God forgave us. Since that was an abstract thing to grasp, I learned how to forgive through automation. It was the "right" thing to do.
In my teen years,as my family fell away from the Church because of conflicts my father had with its leaders, I learned how to hold a grudge. It was an ugly thing really now when I look back. I held grudges for YEARS! She pulled my hair in school, she was a snit in my book for LIFE. I could never forgive HER. He said something mean or rude. Forget him! He's a jerk...for LIFE! I could never forgive HIM!. Sense anger here? Yeah so in the process of harboring these grudges, I started harboring anger. What a pleasant person I must have been to have around.

I started  forgiving and letting go of imagined and real hurts around the time my husband and I got married. Honestly, is hard to harbor so much anger when love displaces it. Yet even this "forgiveness" was not true forgiveness because if I thought back on those "wrongs" I'd get angry all over.

When did I really start and continue to forgive? About the time our first child was born. It was the same time I started getting "straight" with God. What I realized about this time was, I couldn't fully forgive until I was fully forgiven. I had done horrible things, said horrible things and seen horrible things...I needed to be renewed. For my family, for myself. Once I let God's grace engulf me...I saw clearly. I now needed to forgive. Forgive those who harmed me physically, emotionally and spiritually in the past, those who continue to do so in my present and those who will do so in my future. It is not easy to forgive and let go of the transgression. In fact, sometimes I still find myself wanting to get and stay angry. No one benefits from that. Not me. Not the other person(s). Not those around me who will see and learn from my reactions (ie: the children). So I let it go. Many times I hear people say, "I can forgive but not forget." Then to be honest, you have yet to learn to truly forgive. Releasing it from being a part of you is the other half of forgiveness. It is probably the hardest part to put into practice too.

Jesus once said to Peter "I tell you not seven times, but seventy-seven times", when Peter asked how many times he should forgive his brother of sins he acts against him. Now I don't know if I can forgive the same sin by the same person that many times...but how freeing it is to forgive and forget at all.

Here is the trick though: forgiveness is ongoing. It never ends. It includes forgetting and starting fresh. Forgive yesterday, today and tomorrow because the only person you keep in a prison of grudges and anger is yourself..