Crappy day today. I was talking to someone about issues with CW but have now realized she and my husband are much closer (friend-wise) so now...I'm back to just me, my thoughts and feelings because I feel less free to discuss all my stuff wondering if it will end up in my husband's ear. So now I am back to battling them out on my own. It really sucks. I stopped talking to family because well...I don't want to bias them against CW nor do I want advice. I just want someone to LISTEN. I have no other friends except this person and now...no one.
The feelings of isolation continue to grow and I have noticed myself resorting to old "techniques" of control. Unfortunately for me, they relate around food. I have been calorie counting again and refusing food. I make sure others see me "eat" just to throw them off. No need to worry others right? I've also taken to exercising in private too. To do it outright would throw a red flag up if they notice THAT and the weight loss. I've tried to stop but...I feel isolated and out of control mentally that I know I'm doing this to get some control back. Damn! I KNOW I'm doing this!!! Why can't I stop?
I also have been holding others off about why I haven't made an appointment with my endocrinologist too. "I've been busy", "Takes a while for lab work"...I just don't care. That's the real reason. How do you tell someone that? Because then I get, "You're being selfish." Those kids need you." "Fine! Kill yourself then!" Yeah, helpful responses people. Thanks! Makes me feel SO much better about it. When in fact, it just sinks me deeper into my solitary abyss. Yea.
Well...tomorrow is another day. Let's see.
No comments:
Post a Comment