Mostly On My Own

Crappy day today. I was talking to someone about issues with CW but have now realized she and my husband are much closer (friend-wise) so now...I'm back to just me, my thoughts and feelings because I feel less free to discuss all my stuff wondering if it will end up in my husband's ear. So now I am back to battling them out on my own. It really sucks. I stopped talking to family because well...I don't want to bias them against CW nor do I want advice. I just want someone to LISTEN. I have no other friends except this person and now...no one.

The feelings of isolation continue to grow and I have noticed myself resorting to old "techniques" of control. Unfortunately for me, they relate around food. I have been calorie counting again and refusing food. I make sure others see me "eat" just to throw them off. No need to worry others right? I've also taken to exercising in private too. To do it outright would throw a red flag up if they notice THAT and the weight loss. I've tried to stop but...I feel isolated and out of control mentally that I know I'm doing this to get some control back. Damn! I KNOW I'm doing this!!! Why can't I stop?

I also have been holding others off about why I haven't made an appointment with my endocrinologist too. "I've been busy", "Takes a while for lab work"...I just don't care. That's the real reason. How do you tell someone that? Because then I get, "You're being selfish." Those kids need you." "Fine! Kill yourself then!" Yeah, helpful responses people. Thanks! Makes me feel SO much better about it. When in fact, it just sinks me deeper into my solitary abyss. Yea.

Well...tomorrow is another day. Let's see.

A Long and Exciting Day for the Goobers

Today was a long, but great, day for the Goobers. VBS ended with an evening program that included music by the kids and a slide show. WOW!! Our oldest is growin SO fast. Earlier he graduated from his swimming class and will be moving up to the next class. I am so proud of him. He has the biggest grin when he is in that water!! Way to go Bubs!!!

I Wish I Could...

...get out of this junk I'm wading in and celebrate the wonderful accomplishments of the Goobers today. I mean, Goober #1 went down the pool slide by himself, Goober #2 is really being a wonderful girl and Goober #3 seems to be adjusting to this teething thing. Me? I'm down.

So while I want to celebrate (although I never let the kids see any different) I am feeling like a prisoner lately. Let's be clear though. A prisoner in Federal Prison. You know, decent meals, decent clothes, decent housing, time out and yet...lacking any "real" freedom or privacy for that matter. In fact, I hate to blog it down because...I feel invaded (not by bloggers...)...yet...So what happens in times when I feel like there is no "outlet"...I start shutting off from others. Habit that is hard to break even after all these years. Unfortunately there is only one area that causes this heartache and it's my marriage. Yeah, I probably SHOULD talk to him but, to be truthful, he's the cause of the hurt and the one I want at the greatest distance. Not good when you are trying to SAVE a marriage. Besides, he cares about how everyone else is and how their lives are and pretty much leaves me be. Whatever. I feel alone and so very sad.

Another Day...Another Week

This week has been...LONG. Goober #1 started swim lessons on Monday. He was scared to let go of the instructor so they moved him to Tot As. He's doin EXCELLENT!! Good for him!!

Then Goober #2 fell ill on Tuesday. PHHHTTT!!! So, I ended up spending most of the night up checking her temp, calming her down, and giving alternating Motrin/Tylenol to break her fever to no avail. She took a rare morning nap for 2 days although was racin around the rest of the day. I get so nervous when these kids have fevers but no other symptoms. By the 3rd day she was fine. Weird. Although on Day 2...the boys fell down with the Mystery Temperature. So I spent the next few days up at night with them.

To top it off Goober #3 is teething and so wants to nurse, nurse, nurse (suck/pressure thing). So last night after nursing him 2xs in a row I just laid him down in hopes he'd fall asleep. I went outside, was having a smoke only to be confronted by my irrate husband who couldn't sleep because of the crying. I said, "I already nursed him twice." "Fine!" was his reply. I followed him up the stairs and asked him, "What would you like me to do?" No reply. He stormed into the bedroom and proceded to pick up Wailin Boy. I told him, "Just go. Go to bed. I'll nurse him again. But I just NURSED him." "Well, I've got to get sleep!!" (Ha! Tell me about it. I'm workin on 8 hours of sleep myself ya ass) So off he went. Nursed the Babe...again...laid his sleepy butt down only to be rewarded with...."WWWWAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Screw it! I got a bottle, put water/juice mix (90/10) in it and gave it to him! Bingo! Sleepin baby!! Unfortunately when he woke at night the boy coulda used his diaper as a floatation device!

CW is being a boob again and I'm not sure what to do. Funny (not ha,ha funny) that when I do something he doesn't like he yells, accuses, and name-calls. Yet when he does the exact same thing? I'M the one with "issues". Uh...okay. Sure. If it eases your mind and guilt Babe. You go right ahead and blame him. Dork! Ah....forward march!

What IS This Liquid?

Yesterday I was sitting at the computer browsing my current obsession ( ebay) when Goober #1 announces he "has to pee Mommy". Off he goes with Goober #2 (Lord knows the girl can't let him pee in private) up the stairs. I continue with my obsession (while listening to their banter upstairs..."No", "Go away", "I gotta pee Sissy"...) only to be interrupted by a "drip, drip, drip". I look towards the living room to see a couch pillow with a large wet spot getting dripped on from our CEILING, which is right over...that's right, the bathroom!

I rush upstairs, and although I didn't hear water running...I was SURE they had secretly turned it on. I hit the landing, rounded the corner only to see Goober #1 still hanging out by the potty and Goober #2 just outside the door. No water on. Hmm...how odd. Only to look down at the floor and see a huge puddle. Apparently Goober #1 managed to get as far as his pants down before he peed on the floor...OVER the floor vent.Now, if ya know about old homes, ya know in 1941 some "vents" were actually holes in the floor so the heat would rise from the chimney or furnace. So, what I assumed was our children playing in water and it seeping through the floor, was actually our son not making it to the potty, peeing on the floor and thus dripping urine through the living room ceiling. Ahh...good times, good times.

A Glance

Now I remember why I don't keep journals...I never seem to keep up with them. Ah well... Lots been goin on with the clan so I seem to be busy with nary a moment to myself.

Last week, CW and I decided to send Goober #1 off to pre-K. Crap! When did he get older?! So I scouted local private schools and we decided on a nearby Christian school. Today I enrolled him and he was able to see the classroom. Took a while to explain to him why he couldn't start today (summer) but he's SO excited to be going. People have said I'll be sad. To be honest, I'm sad that I'm NOT sad. Not that I'm ecstatic, but I am THRILLED to see his joy. KWIM? His enthusiasm for learning is contagious and I know he will LOVE it, hence MY loving it. I figure I should enjoy it while it lasts because when he gets older...who knows how he'll feel about school. Ha! Does this mean I can "school" shop? Yeah...like I need an excuse or somethin to do THAT!!

Meanwhile the other two Goobers are well...different than #1. Miss Princess is...a handful. She has a mind of her own lately that is running smack in to mine nearly everyday. I'm just not sure what to do. I want to cultivate her independence on one hand but feel like I'm losing my mind (and temper) on the other. Tantrums are an everyday occurrence although never OUTSIDE the house. Weird. She mimics Goober #1 which is sometimes a good thing, and other times...not so much. Muddle, muddle through.

Baby Goob is WAY different. He is happy and content most times (except when wet, hungry or tired). He rolls like a roly-poly bug...all over. It's funny though to watch him sit only because he gets SO excited...he knocks himself over. Pretty funny.

On the marriage front...things are not so great. CW & I are still struggling to right the wrongs and just seems we are only managing to make more wrongs. I wonder if love is enough. I mean, I know he loves me. I know I love him. Yet we continue to hurt and mistrust each other at every turn. And in my mind you just don't do that to those you care about. I hate to walk away but I also don't want us to keep this crap up and continue rehashing old and making new wounds. I'd rather SOMETHING be left than nothing at all. I don't know. I'm so confused, and hurt, and angry and sad... Guess we will continue to work at it and see what happens.

That's all for now...gonna try and keep up on this journal a bit more. Cross fingers.