A Begining and An End

So here we are starting our first “official” school year. While technically Daniel went all day last Thursday, this is the first full day with both the boys and girls.

He is usually my late sleeper but being excited/nervous, he woke early and was raring to go. He looked so grown up in his school uniform and I couldn’t help but feel his same exited nervousness. He kept asking if it was time to go for over the hour we still had left at home. I’m not sure whether I should have felt a bit offended that this little boy (who was now so “grown”) whom I’d spent the last 5 years playing with, learning with and growing with; was so ready to chuck me aside for bigger and brighter things. I wasn’t. Instead I rejoiced that Chris and I had instilled in him a desire to learn and branch out without fear. We taught him that at the end of the day, no matter where or who he was, we would always be there to listen to and love him. I wasn’t wistful of his “lost” childhood, I was thrilled to see him growing.

In the midst of this transition we were worried about Rebekah, who has had Daniel as her playmate since she was born. Would she adjust? Would she cry all day? Her response after we got back in the car without her brother? “Can we go HOME now?!“ Talk about resilient eh? There was one person we completely forgot in this equation though. Michael. He was NOT happy to see his brother not returning with us to the van and cried the entire way home. Poor Baby. Hopefully he and Rebekah will form a new and different bond now they will have more time with just each other.

Some parents believe that once a child graduates is when they begin to fly. I don’t think that is true. I think they start spreading their wings in their young years, fly in their teens and SOAR in their college years. While I am a bit sad not to be able to join Daniel’s flight, since it is his alone, Chris and I will continue to cheer from the ground and provide that safe landing place should he ever need it. Good luck Daniel! May God continue with you on your journey!

Here's a song that makes me always think of the children growing up. Enjoy!

Playin' Catch Up

So...uh...yeah...I haven't written anything about home schooling since we have yet again changed course. Due to the work load decreasing for CW we opted to send Daniel to a charter school. Which is kind of funny since a week prior I had decided on all the curriculum for the kindergarten year. Anyway.. I have mixed feelings about the decision. One one side, I feel sad since I was looking forward to teaching him and still being able to have him home. Yet on the other hand, I know in reality this is probably the best course for him. He thrives with other children and away from his siblings. HE is free to explore his independence and who he is and will become. That.. Is.. AWESOME!! CW and I have agreed to see where this year leads us and to go from there. I am excited to be able to spend time with the other 2 Goobers aside from the eldest. Can’t wait to see where the year takes them.

Emotionally this year has been a roller coaster so far. Financially.. things suck, as I’m sure for most Americans it does. We aren’t drowning, but we are in a perpetual doggie paddle. Reminding myself of Matthew 6: 25-34 constantly. The Lord does provide even if I don’t see it at the time. CW has been my positive safe haven and God has been my Rock. How can I ask for more than that?

On a lighter note: Daniel just turned 5 and I can’t believe the time flew so fast. Becks is coming up on her 4th birthday and is too cute for her own good. She is so much like me in personality it is scary. Pray she puts her stubbornness to better use than I ever did. Michael is a shining happy light. So easygoing and smart. Although I have a feeling he will try and get away with so much by playing the “baby” card.

CW & I have continued to work on our marriage and are in a better place than I could have ever hoped for. We have stopped the crap we were doing to hurt one another for past misdeeds. If possible we argue less than when all this began over 2 years ago. I know he is the love I was meant for and I am blessed that God brought us through that trial stronger; both as a couple and as individuals.

As for me, I am still crafting and sewing. It is a cathartic thing for me. It gives me peace and solace when the World is in utter chaos around me. I should try and post some items I’ve done so I can have a record (in one place) rather than look through several folders on the computer.

That’s it for now. I think that’s enough.

Lying

Many people have pet peeves, things that irritate the heck outta them. While I have a few...the biggest thing for me is: lying. I HATE it!! Yes, hate. I know being the Mom to 3 little Goobers faces me with lying pretty much weekly, this is not the kind that I am talking about. Sure they lie but they simple do it to save their owns butts most of the time and don't really understand the full weight a lie can have.

I'm just really cheesed off right now. See, I just don't "get" when an ADULT lies. I don't (unless kidding around and then usually fess up right away), so I'm not sure why others do. A 'friend' right now has told me 2 lies which I find irritating to NO end. It's not WHAT she lied about...but that she found it necessary to lie. Supposedly I am her best friend so...not sure why the need to lie to ME was there...but okay. This is probably why I tend to keep people (other than family) at arms length. I just hate the stupidness that some feel they need to push on others. UGH!!! And I don't know how to say what I'm feeling because all I really want to to to scream and punch something...because when can I believe anything a liar spews forth? Uh..try never.

A New Year...We'll See

I am such a slacker when it comes to documenting which REALLY makes what I came to write about pretty funny...and sad.

DH has finally decided that he wants me to homeschool the 3 Goobers. ::snort:: There are so many things runnin through my head I finally just needed to write them down, get them out and form a plan.

First, I feel overwhelmed with all the information out there. It is not a matter of where to start but where to STOP. You can choose a state funded program...not my first pick. Because if I wanted to "do" the public school route I'd just send them to public school. DUH! And I'm not really keen on having the State looking over my shoulder at every turn. While I understand the kids will still have to do those dumber-than-dumb-gets Standardized Tests...I don't need them prying in on what I am teaching them OR at the pace they need to be taught. I'm really torn between a structured curriculum (kind of like a curriculum in a box thing) and teaching them the needed skills ala cart so to speak. UGH!!

Second, I feel an incredible pressure. This is a HUGE responsibility. Not that parenting itself is a cake walk but we're talking about a child's future success here. The only consoling fact on this is I have seen and know many parents who are...let's be honest... a few shelves shy of a library. At least I'm a bit smarter. Um...I think. Hmm...

Third, I'm excited too. I love sitting with the eldest and watching him learn. He is such a sponge and, not to brag (but I'm gonna), he's such a bright boy. To be able to help him focus on his interests and work with him on his weaknesses without feeling inferior to his peers is AWESOME!! And the added bonus of having our family's views/values rather than peer views/values become his norm? ROCKS!!!

This means for me I will have to do a couple things besides the obvious of mentoring, challanging, organizing and the general stuff. It will mean I have to bust out of my comfort zones. Two major ones being: defering to others to guide our children's education and socalizing so our kiddos can form friendships and bonds with their peers. Neither one of these is easy for me. I'm reserved by nature and so let others in authority do "their job" (even if they do it wrong) and keeping an EXTREMELY small circle of people around me (in fact besides my family...I see only one friend on a regular basis). I don't want that for the kiddos. So time for change.

My goal is to chart this progress and process so I can look at it as the other wee ones start their educations, see what worked and what didn't and maybe also help other new homeschoolers who begin this path and feel as lost and confused as I do right now. Wish us luck!! And pray.

How Many Shoes Can Fall?

Just when I thought it was safe...seems I was mistaken. I THOUGHT he was over spying on me but apparently I was very wrong. You'd think I was the one who started this mess. Yet here I was/am trying to bite my tounge, not be intrusive and rebuild this marriage only to discover him reading my e-mails and messages. That's cool. I got nothing to hide OR be ashamed of. I mean, seriously...give me a break just when am I supposed to have the time (or ENERGY) to carry out an affair?! I am with 3 kids under the age of 5 ALL day!! DUH!!!

Besides the fact that I am still COMPLETELY head over heels for him. Even after all that crap while I was pregnant. Why can't he get THAT?! Drives me nuts!!! I still ache when he isn't around, I still smell his pillow once he leaves for work ( he doesn't know that though) and am impatient for his return. Just tickss me off, ticks me off, ticks me off...that he feels he has to resort to this petty bull!! Will he ever understand and know I don't WANT anyone else that I only need him? Too bad he doesn't read THIS blog!! Maybe he'd get it because telling him obviously hasn't worked so well.

Bull, More Bull...and Respite

Wow! Last week was such a bunch of crap I just didn't blog 'cause...my mind and soul were just torn to shreds. This week is looking WAY better.

Let's clean up he crap from last week so I can really focus this week. First, CW was off all week on shut-down and since he watches my eating habits I was even MORE conscious of my food choices. My stomach was NOT happy and rewarded me swiftly and justly. Really sucks and is weird at the same time. I mean I'm already very aware of food and then...to be put on "super alert" was mentally (and physically) exhausting. He's back to work and so...

Of course we fought. Of course. Par for the course (day before we had people comin over for the 4th). But when he leaves his phone at home, doesn't tell me where he's going, when he'll be home and doesn't call for 9 HOURS!!! What the hell does he expect my reaction to be when he DOES meander home? Gratitude? Ass! You left me with the 3 Goobers (yeah...the ones I take care 24/7 without nary a break except errands) and don't even bother to CALL?! And HE didn't even call, he had his SISTER call!! The stupid broad hasn't even bothered to contact us in 3 years or even see how her mom is doing an you stop in to SEE her?! WTF???!!! And have her call me?! Dumb, dumb and dumb!!! After 16 years he should'a known that wasn't a bright idea...ANY of it!! So as soon as he walked in, I walked out and went to have a drink at a downtown bar. Not a great idea...but I never think too rationally when angry. When I got home words were said and then we got calm and started TALKING. Insecurity and mistrust are never good bed partners and unfortunately we both have that crap to muddle through. Anyway...

And to top it off I manage to catch poison oak yet again this summer and this time it is really bad and hurts, itches and is REALLY gross/pus yuck.

But...this week has started of really cool. CW & I are easy with each other and are continuing to talk and actually taking some extra time to ourselves to do it. Goober #1 started Session II swimming lessons and is LOVING it. He's jumpin off the diving board which is cool and he thinks so too. I am having a slight blood increase knowing they will be taking his swim belt off but... The other 2 Goobs have been enjoying the fresh air while waiting for lessons to be over and are lovin the swings.

I've been having trouble sleepin again more due from the fact I am more creative in the wee hours of the night and feel more sluggish come morning and during the day. But because everyone is in bed I am limited in activities so...been takin to sittin outside in the quiet of the night. What's neat about where we live is that although it's considered the "bad" part of town there are lots of homes with large yards and HUGE trees that have been here forever. They block out streetlights in our backyard and the neighborhood gets real quiet too. . So it lends to a serene setting. What has been killer though is...the MOON!! Lots of people like full moons or half moons but...this moon has been just a sliver for the past 6 days and it is...no words...So I gather my thoughts at night and prepare for the next day. I will be sad when this moon phase is over. But...new beginnings right?

Mostly On My Own

Crappy day today. I was talking to someone about issues with CW but have now realized she and my husband are much closer (friend-wise) so now...I'm back to just me, my thoughts and feelings because I feel less free to discuss all my stuff wondering if it will end up in my husband's ear. So now I am back to battling them out on my own. It really sucks. I stopped talking to family because well...I don't want to bias them against CW nor do I want advice. I just want someone to LISTEN. I have no other friends except this person and now...no one.

The feelings of isolation continue to grow and I have noticed myself resorting to old "techniques" of control. Unfortunately for me, they relate around food. I have been calorie counting again and refusing food. I make sure others see me "eat" just to throw them off. No need to worry others right? I've also taken to exercising in private too. To do it outright would throw a red flag up if they notice THAT and the weight loss. I've tried to stop but...I feel isolated and out of control mentally that I know I'm doing this to get some control back. Damn! I KNOW I'm doing this!!! Why can't I stop?

I also have been holding others off about why I haven't made an appointment with my endocrinologist too. "I've been busy", "Takes a while for lab work"...I just don't care. That's the real reason. How do you tell someone that? Because then I get, "You're being selfish." Those kids need you." "Fine! Kill yourself then!" Yeah, helpful responses people. Thanks! Makes me feel SO much better about it. When in fact, it just sinks me deeper into my solitary abyss. Yea.

Well...tomorrow is another day. Let's see.