Tis The Season....PPPPHHHHTTTT!!!

Okay...so the holiday season is officially under way. Yea...whoopee. Let me just say, I am neither a Deck-The-Halls kinda gal but I am not a Scrooge either. So far though...the season ain't lookin bright.

Online shopping (yes, this is how I avoid getting my toes broken by over zealous shoppers every year) had just gotten underway when...BOOM!!! Our computer decides it is going to wipe everything from it's entire memory! So now, I can't look for good deals and I lost all my recent pictures of the Goobers!! CW had already put previous ones to hard copy for me. So it really wasn't THAT bad considering I am following CW's much requested advice for the holiday and sticking to only 3 gifts per Goob. See Honey? I listen. Just took me...what? Three years? Parents presents are done. Just leaves MIL since Hubs and I aren't exchanging gifts (psst...yea...RRRRRIIIIIGGGGGHHHHTTT!).

So now the computer is down..er...was down. And what? I get sick. I am hackin' and sneezin' and well...just miserable but wait!! I scheduled...PICTURES for the family. Now I could have managed the sickness had I planned better for getting photos done. Yet the procrasinator in me (see? Ownin' up here again Dear) kept puttin it off. First mistake. I went somewhere new. Second mistake. It gets better. Then scheduled the whole thing when? Oh...just about when the Goobs wind down for bed and on my husband's iron pouring day. Third mistake. Merry Christmas!!! The WORST thing? Hated ALL the pictures!! Now I was emptied handed unless you count the overtired children and husband.

Now the cold was worse and I couldn't sleep so CW decided to stay home and help with the Kiddos. Ended up me setting up a "photo shoot" for the kids with snot drippin out of my nose (had to get the pics done some way dontcha know?), while Hubs spent his time in Technical Support Limbo for the computer. Your call is very important to us. Uh-huh. By the way...pics I took will be in the Photo Album if ya wanna look.

Summary: No gifts. No professional pictures. Hard drive wiped. But! The computer is up and the desktop is a lovely uncluttered blue. Ya know how people count down for Christmas? Well, I'm countin down for January 2...you know when people become a bit nicer and the world seems a bit LESS chaotic?

Friends

What can I say? You were a brave soul. Through the summer we watched you moved from your spacious high-rise loft to a middle floor apartment. You worked endlessly through the wind and rain. One could only envy your amazing work ethic. You lacked for nothing in skill. You made CW scream like a little girl in the early hours and me giggle hearing him scream. You were an incredible architect, even though we were the only ones whoever got to see your work. You worked so diligently these past few days creating an exquisite masterpiece in the warm sun and breeze. But it was to be for naught, when yesterday brought its blistering cold and snow. We will miss you Fred. Your hairy 6 legs. Your HUGE dime-sized body. Farewell Theridion frondeum! Our HUGE Cobweb Weaver!! Adieu!!

At The Moment

In this world of million upon millions of people it is amazing that one can feel so scared and lonely. I know I am not the only one who feels like this. Lately I feel more alone and scared than I have been in many years. In fact, I would say since High School. I find myself shutting more and more people out which makes me even more isolated. Like a merry-go-round I can't seem to get off of. I talk to God and I know He is with me providing His strength and love but I really wish I had "physical" closeness with others. Yet at the same time, I DON'T want it. Makes no sense does it? I have been keeping so much inside lately that I feel…lost, empty, lonely and scared. I don't talk to anyone about this, except God, because I don't want to "burden" them or worse, have their disapproval. So I stay silent and go about my days as though nothing is wrong. But in the quiet, like now, there is just this emptiness and me. I know I will get through this it is just a matter of when. At the moment I have too much time to reflect., too much pressing on my heart & mind. Too much.

Goobers Of Fall

or all those whom I have yet to bombard with Goober pictures...here they ARE!! The first batch were from Miller Apple Farm and my Aunt's farm. The second batch is Akron's Boo at the Zoo and T&Ting. Yep! Those are the costumes I made and the pumpkins I carved this year. And yes...I did manage to have that 3rd Gobber in there somewhere! Enjoy!

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People

Short. Simple. People still suck.

Michael's Birth Story

On October 12^th at 5:20AM CW & I headed off to Fairview General Hospital for the scheduled induction of our third Wee One. We arrived at 5:50AM and headed off to the Birthing Center. I gotta say…exactly how many questions does one REALLY need to answer to have a baby? Jimminey Cricket!! Anyway…at 7:03 the nurse started the Pitocin and off we went!

Contractions came on quickly and furiously around 8:30AM. Talk about quick! At 9AM we (okay…I was) were 4cm dilated. Dr. Stephens came in and broke the membranes at 9:09AM. Does this all seem REALLY fast? Whew! It was. At 10:29AM the anesthesiologist came in and place the epidural. Ahhhhh…the sweet joy of drugs. Let's face it, I am a wimp and if they ever hand out $10,000 checks for natural births…only THEN would I go drug free. Onward…

At 11:40AM the nurse checked me and now I was at 9 ½ cm and +1 station. Doctor Stephens was on her way. Have to say that it took everything I had NOT to push at this point. That was a first. Doc arrived at 12:05PM, got set up, and by 12:10PM I was pushing for Wee One's entrance and he vacated the premises at 12:27PM. YEA!!! He weighed 7lbs 80z and was 19.5 inches long.

Funny thing is: I told Michael he had to be out in 5 hours. Good baby. SO close at 5 ½! So except for about 45 minutes of discomfort from contractions labor was not bad or long.

The next morning, however, he gave us a scare when he turned blue and unresponsive. We ran with him over to the nursery and the nurses and house doctor took over. I was terrified. Here was our little one who wasn't even a day old in danger. I was so scared to lose him; even now the thought of those moments will haunt me. It turns out he had an enormous amount of mucus. They monitored him for quite a while until they brought him back to us. I can't describe what it felt like to hold him close once they did.

He is a quiet little boy (although since he was our biggest Babe I call him our Gentle Giant) who nurses well and is a complete snuggler (must be our boys). I look at our other two Wee Ones, I look at him, and I know how much God has truly blessed this family. And I am thankful! Now the fun begins!

Baby Pics

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Baby Web Comin of Friday!!

Okay Kiddos…Jellybean's appearance is tomorrow! Wow! Time went fast AND slow! For those wondering (or whom I haven't filled in) we are scheduled for induction at Fairview at 6AM on Friday the 12th.

Looking forward to meeting this Wee One but not looking forward to night feedings and…well…labor pain. Because I'm not sure why people say, "Oh, once they put that Baby in your arms you forget ALL about the pain." Uh…yeah…I'm not thinking so! Obviously THEY want you to forget. Try telling that to my lower regions people (and the memories of 2 prior births...gol)!! Gggggrrrr…

Anyway…we (Baby & I (I'm sure CW will be online)…heehee) will be offline for a bit. Will update with photos ASAP and story (or nightmare depending on your point of view during a birth of a Baby)! Take care and send prayers our way!!

Our Children's Journey

It has been said that life is a series of journeys and that every journey begins with a single step. I guess carrying another being inside makes one stop and ponder such thoughts. So far, as with previous pregnancies, it has just been Baby and me on his journey. Sure, others can "view" from the outside like my husband, family or friends. But basically it has been he and I. I have felt his first flutter, his kicks, his squirming…and although I really want him out…I will miss this part of his journey. Yet soon another one will begin.

As parents we get that privilege of being part of our children's journey and thus our OWN journey too. They move from small helpless beings into these self reliant and independent children. You teach them how to do things and then one day…you find yourself no longer a participator but a spectator. They grow up and "When" you wonder, "did they do THAT?" And YOU grow.

See even though our Goobers are still young…I am a bit saddened to see them growing so quickly and yet at the same time am SO glad they are becoming questioning little beings in their own right. They are incredible little beings who are growing in knowledge, creativity and capability each day. I love to see them on their journey and although I can still participate, as they ARE young, I know that one day I will stand on the sidelines. Shaking with fear and Hope, biting my lip when they struggle, yet knowing this will be part of their learning. They will have journeys in their lives that I will be able to see and other private journeys that NO one may be witness to.

I try to stay in the moment with them and not "plan" too much for the future so I can enjoy the "Now" with them. John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Wasting the precious time we DO have together by worrying about their subsequent journey makes me miss out on the present journey. And I do NOT want to miss THAT!

A Bedroom & A Date

FINALLY!!! I have finished the Boys' Music Bedroom and taken pictures to boot! I made the crib bedding and DW's pillow sham, which I don't think is too shabby, even if I say so myself. I wish I had made the crib skirt a bit longer but...oh well. The guitar mural is alright considering Mommy is NO artist. The blue guitar was patterned after a Johnny Ramone guitar released prior to his death. The other guitar is supposed to be of a Frank Zappa guitar. But Bubba doesn't care that they aren't really accurate he just loves his "Guitar room". The dresser is one of 2 that I got for a STEAL!!! They are Vaughn Bassett and retail at $750 a piece and we paid that for both!! YEA!!! Gotta love a bargain!!

Also for those of you who may care...Mommy will be induced on October 12th. So grab your plane tickets and fill the gas tank if ya wish to visit Jellybean. No cause for alarm about being induced. It was a request of mine. He is getting big and well...to be honest...I would REALLY like to be able to dry my legs properly and sleep "normal" again without feelin like a big ol' whale.

Oh Golly!! Halloween!!

***Forewarning: Hot Button For Many***

So here I am making the kids' Halloween costumes (Yeah I'm a dork Mom. I sew their costumes) and pondering the whole Halloween "thing". I love Fall and Halloween (could ya tell from my profile page?). I love the colors, the smell of candy apples, apple cider, the leaves turning color and the crispness of the air. I love the little funny witches and monsters you see on cards or window clings. I love carving jack-o-lanterns (and yes, I do go somewhat nutso on them). I love hearing our son tell us he is gonna "be a cowboy and Sissy be a cowgirl". I have no "hidden" agenda and I do not worship other Gods or Goddesses. As a Christian however, I am told this is a "bad" thing.

We all know that most holidays have their beginnings in pagan worship. I used to practice Wicca so I know all about Samhain. Yet here I am. Having renewed my commitment to God and yet I still struggle over most holidays and celebrating them. Many think of Halloween as "more" evil than all the others and of course this is my FAVORITE season and holiday. There I admit it. For most people who aren't Christian, OR those who just blindly follow the crowd, Halloween (or ANY holiday for that matter) is rarely contemplated. And quite honestly it is also a weird subject if you ask a Christian their stance on it. Some are against it completely. They have no pumpkins, so scarecrows and obviously do NOT take their children trick-or-treating. Then there are those who believe in "Fall Festivals" so they participate in hay rides, apple bobbing, "safe" costumes and may even celebrate on November 1^st and call it: All Saint's Day and then there are others, much like myself, who participate in trick-or-treating, taking their children to Boo at the Zoo and see it as harmless fun. Now, I don't know which one is actually right, but I do know that I will be held accountable for all my actions and even if I hide them from the World, God will still know my heart. And He knew I would enjoy Halloween, right or wrong. I also know that if Halloween is bad so are other holidays.

Christmas, Easter and Valentine's Day were ALL once pagan holidays too. So why are they not considered "evil" as well? See, here is why I get confused. Surprise! Every holiday, with the exception of Passover and Pentecost, is never described in the Bible. Which means simply, if God gave no instruction on how to celebrate them then they are NOT celebrations that would be pleasing to Him. Therefore they should not be celebrated either. Jeremiah 10: 2-5 "Thus says the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cuts a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not. They are upright as the palm tree, but speak not: they must needs be borne, because they cannot go. Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither is it in them to do good." However ask any Christian about Easter, Christmas or Valentine's Day and usually they are "all for them".

Please don't misunderstand, I am not saying these Christians are "bad", but people need to UNDERSTAND what they heck they are celebrating and why. That goes for EVERYONE! Be you a Christian or not. Are you "following the crowd" or do you have full knowledge of what and why you celebrate a holiday? Personally, other than Halloween I am not a "big" participator of man created holidays. I decorate minimally and partake even less. Most holidays, as I said earlier, are pagan in their beginnings, rejuvenated as "Christian" observances by the Catholic Church, and so completely bastardized by modern society that they no longer even hold "traditional" pagan meanings! Sure I could give ya a short history lesson on the holidays…but hey! You got a computer! Use it. And while you are at it…use your mind and wonder why you celebrate what you do. Again, the bottom line is: decide what's right for YOUR family, YOUR beliefs, and YOUR God. However, as a parent at least be able to intelligently tell your children the reasons you celebrate the way you do. Just a thought.

Parenting Do's & Don'ts (long be forewarned)

C. Everett Koop once said, "Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation." Yeah…uh…can you say P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E? Crap! The responsibility of raising the next generation! THAT's what I signed on for? And in the big scope of things? Yes. That's what ALL parents signed on for whether they consciously think about it or not.

As a Mom of soon-to-be 3 little Goobers I am by NO means an expert on parenting nor will I ever be. I have attended enough play dates, child events and had enough discussions with other parents to realize one thing about today's parenting though: STOP THE INSANITY ('mooches Susan Powder)!! In today's world of technology and the "get in touch with your feelings" era parents have been bombarded with so much information it can be maddening. I'm sure you have, like myself, received that e-mail that says it's amazing that we survived as children since our parents: never put us in car seats, let us touch shopping carts (gulp) directly, and even let us watch TONS of TV!! We giggle but obviously don't really take it to heart do we?

Look at it this way; beginning with pregnancy we are told what we should and should not do since our actions could mess up our baby in utero. Women shouldn't eat soft cheeses because they contain Listeria. Do you hear that Greek ladies?! No feta!! Oops! I've ignored this rule myself. Next. No hot dogs and lunchmeat (unless heated) or roadside ciders since they are all unpasteurized. Oops, oops and double oops! The list goes on. Eat tuna. Not TOO much though. Drink herbal teas, but not raspberry or peppermint. Lay on your left side when you sleep. No wait! Lay how you want, your body will tell you when to change position. Finally, don't drink caffeine. Nah! Drink caffeine, just in moderation. Stop changing the rules! Grr!! So according to "experts" I've already messed up the Baby. Ah…but Baby comes out healthy and intact. Whew! What a relief! Movin' on. Perhaps infancy will bring my redemption from in utero mistakes.

Clothe versus disposable. Bottle versus breastfeeding. SAHM versus WM. Are you kidding me?! Oh Honey! It doesn't even stop there! You got people debating over attachment parenting and its pros and cons. If that isn't enough the "experts" move into your bedroom and debate over whether the family bed produces a secure and well loved child or a stifled little one with no identity of their own. I gotta shake my head here. This is just insane and it gets worse. Let's move on to toddler hood.

Don't feed children under 4 years: hot dogs, nuts, chunks of meat or cheese, popcorn, chunks of peanut butter, raw vegetables, or fruit chunks. Great! Now according to these people again, I'm tryin' to kill my children!! That's okay; I disregard their catching germs too. I don't use a shopping cart cover, or antibacterial lotion after they play and I let strangers touch them (appropriately of course). Horrors!! I am not making fun of parents that DO these things. These are just a few areas I've "reclaimed" after Goober 1. Poor child probably saw so much antibacterial lotion from Bath & Body Works he'll have flashbacks when he grows up! Then I realized there are probably more germs on the ATM that I just touched than on the public restroom doors where at least 65% of people wash their hands. Think about it. Do you wash or sanitize YOUR hands after using the ATM? Ever? As for strangers tapping the Goobers on the head? No biggie there either. I'm there and…well…the Momma Peacock comes out when people compliment the kids on looks or behavior or just want to admire a little kid. Other parents might HATE that and that's okay.

Finally, we are "fed" by the media how we need to enroll our children in programs to boost their IQ and creativity. So we sign them up for music & movement classes, soccer lessons, sign language classes, Mommy & me yoga, swim lessons all before they have their 5^th birthday! What the?!? Again, I am not badmouthing parents who choose to do this. They are not bad things to do with your child. In fact it's a great opportunity just to spend time with your little one. I'm just pointing out the madness in it all. Some "experts" have done studies that show by "over scheduling" our children we are actually making them sicker, more depressed, anxiety ridden and perfectionist in personality at an earlier age. See the theme here yet?

"Experts" on one side will tell you one thing and "experts" on the other side will show you studies that say just the opposite. No wonder parents today feel "stressed" and wonder if they are "doing the right thing". From moment to moment the information given to us changes. It comes down to what is best for YOUR child or children. It doesn't make us "bad" parents if our child isn't taking sign language class like all the other kids on our block or if we load him up on PB&J and he's only 2! It doesn't mean we are setting the next generation up for failure.

So I say proudly: I am a SAHM who eats soft cheeses when pregnant, uses disposable diapers, extend breastfeeds, believes in attached parenting, spanks her children, feeds the Goobers PB&J, raw veggies, fruit, chunks of cheese and popcorn, does not use antibacterial lotion/spray on everything, has taken her children to toddler classes and is still trying to figure it all out. John Wilmot said it best though, "Before I was married I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories." Ain't that the truth? Now if you'll excuse me I need to read that article on "Preteen Dating" there's a new study in there and I need to be prepared!

The Poop, the Whole Poop and Nothing but the Poop

Before this week gets away I really should sum up the highs and lows of this past week. For some of you you know what the continuing low is so...no need to go THERE.

On Tuesday I wanted to try and work on the boys' guitar mural in their room. So I changed REW and Bubba changed himself. Both had eaten breakfast. Cool! All set! Now for the most part the Munchkins get along (except for the "Mine! Mine!" thing) so I can leave them for short spurts and work on house stuff and know that they are safe. But PLEASE do not e-mail me if you feel this was wrong. My kids. My house. My rules. Now I usually check on them every 5 minutes but this time I was really into trying to get Frank Zappa's guitar right (ROFL!!) and missed my window. Oops! Big mistake! Next thing I hear is Bubba comin up the stairs to declare, "Mommy! Sissy ALL dddiiiirrrtttyyy!" **Brief thought: what could she have POSSIBLY got into?** I replied, "Sissy's all dirty?" "Yeah Mommy. ALL dirty." You...are...gonna...LOVE this!!! I go downstairs to find REW: naked and covered in what appeared to be a HUGE melted chocolate mess. Ahh...but since chocolate is no where around..yep! it was POOP! Her belly was covered. Her face was covered. Her hair was covered. In her poop covered hands she held out to me, like a peace offering, a big lump of poo. I WISH I had had my camera handy because...it was freakin' FUNNY!!! And the pics would have been great "leverage" at a later date in her teen years. Instead I wisked her upstairs to hose her down, glancing at the clean diaper lying so casually on the living room floor. All I did was sigh, giggle, shake my head and continue holding her at arms length saying, "Uh-uh don't you touch ME Poopy Girl!" to her outstreched poop hands. Alright so now in terms of Fecal Covered Kids we are 2 for 3 (oh yeah, Bubba has a story too!). So I told CW Baby can have his time next summer...OUTSIDE!! gol.

Wednesday was mild in comparison with me painting a bedroom wall in our room since it takes only about 20 minutes. Not to worry, I turned her diaper backwards AND put her a onesie/shorts combo. No poop story in site.

Thursday, because of all the drama going on in other areas of my life, I misread the calender and thought my Doc appt was that day. Dang! Dang! Dang! Dang! Oh well...I went shopping. PHHTTT!!!

So Friday I returned to the Doc to check on Jellybean. He's fine and all is well. I lost 2.5 pounds. Gee...wonder why. Doc asked me why...told her I didn't know. Don't wanna be sharing all this crap (no pun intended) with others. As long as Baby is good. I'm fine. So total gain for almost 8 months is...13 pounds. Friday night was cool with a concert (Spectrum) and meeting new people and some time sans children. If I could have had a beer and a shot I woulda been set!

So there was my quick week in review. Now wasn't this better than any sleeping pill?

Your Deception

Your affair has had farther reaching effects than you know. Your continual denial, even when the truth is presented, offering you redemption, is heartbreaking. It shows you chosing her over the children & I everytime. It has, however thaught me the mistakes (and tricks) you have done. A combined e-mail account? Brilliant! Especially on a service you normally use that would not send up any red flags? Genius! But secrets eat at people (at least those with a moral compass) until they can no longer keep them.

You had a great family who loved you, would have seen you through anything, gave their trust to you. What did you do? You traded it all for your own selfish pleasure seeking motives. You chose HER over us. She will never give you what the children did, what I did. That, however, is your own doing and destruction you have caused.

As we move on with our lives and heal, love will return. The children will have someone who will not chose flesh over their love. I will find someone who will love the children, who will love me, and would not jeapordize that by being self-centered, deceitful and selfish. I am sorry you could not fully appreciate what was so willingly and happily given to you. Hopefully one day you will understand the destruction and devastation your actions caused. Perhaps one day you will feel remorse for them. Perhaps.

Ravings of A Mad Woman

When

The Sun hits my skin- warmth, safety, happiness.

The Clouds roll in- soft rain, constant evelopement, contentment.

The Wind picks up- fear, mistrust, saddness.

The Chill takes over- bitterness, loathing, hatred.

Will the Sun return?

Unhealed Heart

If you were here what would I feel?

Love.

If you were here what would I do?

Love you.

If I could see you what would I say?

I Love You.

Where are you?

I have lost you.

She

She is the ghost that haunts my waking thoughts

She is the banshee that pierces my sleep

She is the vampire bleeding my soul

She is the secret in your mind & heart hidden deep

And she is destroying us.

Elephant or Baby?

Okay...bit worried here after the ultrasound done this week. It was basically to check and see if I was gonna need a C-section. WooHoo! No section here. Everything is good with Jellybean except...

Apparently he is measuring on the "big" side. Big as in, he is comin in at 33 weeks(now 34) instead of the 31 weeks (now 32) I am, he is a hefty 4lbs 9oz (DS was only 6lb8oz and DD was 6lb14oz) and he is in the 65th percentile!! Jeeze!! (at least I REALLY know HE'S gaining and not me) Now many know I'm not a tall or big woman so squeezin out anything over what DD weighed is just...well downright scary (that's me over there tryin to hide)!! Although...the good thing is he is already head down, which is early, so perhaps he will make an early appearance. Here's hoping. Because ya'll need to bring me some whiskey to drink after this pregnancy (and some of ya know why)!!

Call Of The Potty

Before our first child was born, my husband and I discussed MANY things: about how to raise him, how to school him, cloth vs. disposable and on and on. Among them was what we would refer to his private parts as. Neither of us thought the use of: pee-pee, tinkle, winky, blah, blah, blah were good choices. We believed (and still do) that he should know the correct anatomical names for his body parts, so penis it was and is! Then we had our daughter. Hmm…were we still gonna hold to this previous thought? Yep! So labia it was and still is! Now do not argue with us, labia vs. vagina (one is external, one internal) go argue on one of those websites about this issue. And yes, there ARE people who argue over this. Good grief!!! Anyway…

All this leads to what happens when the potty training begins. For experienced Mommas they know all too well. For the non-experienced…you MAY want to rethink your strategies unless you are not easily embarrassed when you hear a child screech things in the loudest voice possible.

Potty training and what you have chosen to have them call their body parts WILL inevitably end up shouted across a crowded store, whispered loudly in Church or, heck, just about anywhere when they have to go to the restroom…or simply feel the need to share what they are thinking at the time. It can be a source of humor and sometimes embarrassment. But it will also elicit scornful looks of "Know-It-All Moms" (AKA: those who have no kids or have yet to hit the potty training timetable) and knowing nods and smirks from Moms who have been there before and are SO glad to be done with it all.

We have once again begun the potty training thing with our son who will tell just about everyone about his "peanut". That he has one and so does Daddy but not Mommy or Sissy. Ahh…they begin SO young with that fixation girls. Now our daughter wants to start using the potty and hearing her say labia? Well, funny AND creepy to be honest.

While both seem to want to share this accurate, and dare I say; pretty-smart-for-their-age knowledge of their body with others I can't help but wonder if my husband & I really should have tried yelling these words to each other across a store to see the reaction of others prior to our children doing it. Yet, I don't think it would have garnered the same stares shouted by 30-some year olds as it does 3 year and 19 month old children. But MAN! That would have been funny!

And Again...

I am so angry, sad and well...just tired of stuff that I think is dead ressurecting itself over and over. It is draining and boring. I wonder why people who know thier behavior or actions hurt would resume those same behaviors or actions. Perhaps I am dumb. Perhaps I am hoping for too much from others. People say they are doing one thing only for you to find out that... or someone apologizes and says it won't happen again and there they go...down that same road (kids are notorious for this BTW). Turning to another person instead of the one you should be turning to is not acceptable. If you want out of a relationship (marriage/friendship/whatever) why not just go? Why drag things out? I would rather you own up to crap than continue to lie.

So now what? I feel so overwhelmed considering I'm pregnant, have 2 little ones and gotta deal with this too. If I could runaway I would but...obviously that is not feasible.

What I do know is I thought things were being put to rest and yet...here we are all over. I feel like I am caught in a windstorm and being beat to heck. I'm just so tired. So tired.

Freakin Out

I am freaking out lately over stuff I have no control over and it drives me nuts! I should know what to expect considering this is our 3rd Goober in less than 3 1/2 years but...

I find myself thinking, "How the heck am I gonna DO this?!" DH is only gonna be home for about a week to help and then back to 14+ hour days, winter will be coming which means less ability to get out of the house, 2 toddlers & a newborn and ME cooped up for days, DS still refusing the potty, DD getting READY to start potty training, grocery shopping with 3... And on and on. Then DH says, "You really don't want anymore?" 'Kay, I know he is HALF kidding here; it's the other half that's scares me.

I know God's timing is perfect. I do. I know for everything there is a season (Eccleciastes 3:1 and please do NOT break out in song or even Eccleciastes 3:11). But crud! I feel like my body is getting ready for Fall and my mind is already in Winter!! Although good thing my Spirit is more in Summer (there's a plus). And while that may not seem like a bad thing to some...for me it is frustrating. I know this is an overreaction (hormonally induced or not) and that when actually FACED with everything it will all work out with God's help; but the ever present controlling side of me that wants to ALWAYS control the uncontrolable? Not an easy task. Ahh...well...Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." So...I wait.

The Skinny (Or Fat for Dumb People)

This a peeve of mine and has been now through ALL 3 pregnancies; people who blurt STUPID stuff without using that filter God gave them in their brain called: TACT!!

I'm not sure when someone makes a comment about weight to a pregnant lady that they think this is acceptable or what. Example: "Gosh! Are you sure you're not having twins?!" (got that with my second) or "Wow! You are REALLY out there!" (got that with my first) or the recent comment was, "You're really showing for only that far along!" What the heck?! Okay, I am 6 1/2 months pregnant, I have gained 12 lbs (below what I should be gaining BTW) and this is my THIRD kid!! GRRR... Then my Mom relates a comment she made to a lady carrying twins needing a wheelbarrow by 9 months (she's 3 months along)! No she didn't?!

What the...?! Here's the scoop for all thsoe who have not been pregnant, do not intend be pregnant or well...just don't have the right equiptment: it is NOT okay to spout and spew this poop at pregnant women!! Unless of course you are an imbecile or really want to die at a pregnant woman's swollen ankles! And here is a lithmus test in case you are still confused about what IS acceptable to say: if you wouldn't say it to a fat person...then don't say it to a pregnant lady. BUT...for those of you that hurt other people by saying cruel and heartless things then please use KISS and say, "You look good."

'Kay, I had my say. I must waddle away now to find some more Dips. Just as soon as I get outta my chair!

Been nutty here with our oldest's birthday party. But, WHEW! that's done (and another post or for my other blog).

Today I'm thinking about ambition and how do you go about instilling that in your children. Hmmm...see PERSONALLY I am not all that ambitious. I never wanted to BE anything. Not a teacher, not a doctor, not a wife, not a mother...nothing. Sounds sad but it really isn't. I've never wondered what I COULD have been since I had no desire to BE anything. I've exsisted and feel okay about that. Not good. Not bad. Okay. Heehee...this drives one particular person crazy but at least now I know where the ambivilance comes from. Oops! Sorry mind wandered. Where was I?

Now my parents were supportive but not goal oriented people. Correction: my MOM was those things. She never swayed me one way or another. Never asked my interests or goals. Yet I knew she was there. So how much can I lay on her and how much do I lay on myself? Another question.

So now I am trying to figure out how as a Mom I can foster that ambition. Not that kind of ambition that leaves a burnt path of pain and devestation in its wake. But the kind that drives one forward with the desire to do good works. I know providing a faith based home is a start but then everything starts to look all muddled. I try to introduce the kids to new experiences and cultures as often as I can and hope to continue to do so. They need to be exposed to others and other things so they CAN carve out a path. My black/white husband told me this though, "No matter how much we try to be a Rockwell family, or anybody does, we'll still mess it up as parents. But that will help them make their paths too." Ahh...sometimes you just need someone to wipe the dirty glass so you can see it sparkle dontcha?

Time

When you're a SAHM so much seems to revolve around the kids, especially when they are little. They still can't do for themselves, they still want you (Mommy, Mommy!!!)... And not that I mind, but it was great to go out this weekend without them and reconnect with my husband.

Ever realize how much you miss someone you see everyday? That's pretty much how it was for me. DH works LONG hours so I can stay home with the kids. Unfortunately that means time gets sacrificed both for the kids and me. We see him minimally during the week. So it was a nice change to just walk, have a yummy dinner and actually talk all without interruption. After 15 years I still love to hear him talk, laugh, and be thoughtful & introspective. I am always amazed at how much he knows or remembers (I'm lucky if I remember what the heck I did with my car keys half the time).

This entry may seem a bit sappy for some (I warned you early enough) but...if you've ever not been able to hang out with a good friend, a close relative, a lover, or spouse and then to add the fact that you see them everyday you understand where I am coming from. I Corinthians 13:13 states : "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." We can have faith in God or our other relationships that they will survive despite all. We can have hope in our relationships that things will "get better". But if you lack love in relationships then what would the point be? While love may not sustain you through all adversity it is the foundation on which you need to build your "home". It will be the thing that will bind you and push you on. It will give you the strength you need to get rid of all the other mess. And if you've read any other posts you know that it is what is helping me overcome all that poop.

Lord Byron wrote: "I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all." I would still love DH even if we had never got married (wouldn't he be shocked?). He is a great person to hang out with, share faith with, have hope in and love. I'm glad I got the chance this weekend to really appreciate that all over.

Removed

I removed the last blog entry as the person who started all this poo IS working hard to correct their mistakes. It has been behind the scene work so nothing I could tangibly see or hear. As humans we tend to want results before we believe someone. We may have been decieved one too many times, lied to once too often. We are accustomed more to the lies than the truth. Weird huh? Since as Christians we are the exact opposite with our faith. Anyway, because I was seeing no "results" I overreacted and misjudged the actions of this person. "Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven." Luke 6:37 (Man! I gotta keep remembering this!!) To this person...should you read this, I am sorry. While the road still will be hard I am willing to start making amends, move forward and regain our friendship and love for one another. I miss you more than you know.

Trials are not easy. Honestly my life has been pretty effortless up until this point. I have a passionate, hard-working husband, 2 bright kids, another wee Goob on the way, a home, food for our table and clothes on our backs. We have been in a calm for a long time so ya kinda knew a storm (a doozy in this case) was coming. As a Christian your faith can be tested. I knew/know that turning my back on God would/will not result in good; but to be honest, when you are in a tornado it is hard to focus and find Him. You feel defeated. You want to give up. But Lamentations 3:22-23 says: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning..." So while I or you may feel alone and crushed God will lift us up and move us back onto our path each and everyday.

Angry

I am so angry!! This is truely going to be a day of testing. What do you do when someone appears to have blatently shoved something in your face? Again, rhetorical question...but...

I just want to scream "Do you have ANY idea how putting ME through this right now effects this child I am carrying?!" Crap! Are they really so selfish? Is it really just as simple as another person WANTING to hurt another? I mean, I know about murderers, rapists and stuff but...come ON!!!

All this is making me physically ill. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I am throwing up because I cry so much (hence if I do eat...)...So where to from here? Good question. Wish I knew. Wish I knew.

Coming or Going?

July 10, 2007

Ever don't know if you're coming or going? So much has been/is going on that I have no idea what to do. Turning to God or prayer does help a bit but then I still end up feeling...whew...sad and tired. Raising 2 toddlers, being pregnant AGAIN and all the other mess happening...is well..overwhelming and daunting. Everything is such a mess that many days I sit and cry once the kids are down for a nap. They do not need to see their Mom like that. It is not fair to their pyches. For me, I find myself in prayer asking to get through another day both for their sakes and mine. Some like to tell me "It's just pregnancy hormones." Yet all that is going on is not my creation but someone else's. The devastation they have wrought appears without end.

Most know what I am talking about. It's that feeling of loss, despair, confusion, saddness you feel in those quiet moments (or in my case with 2 little ones..not so quiet moments). I know God will get us through and make us a stronger family but for now I am swimming in the muck all while protecting these kids from all the mud around us. Perhaps not the enlightening Christian view one was looking for but personal walks are just those...personal. We all walk our own. I am walking a hard path right now. At the end hopefully I will be stronger, braver and the person God wants me to be.

Betrayal & Mistrust

July 8, 2007

For over a month I have been dealing with a betrayal of someone close. It has not been easy (even with prayer). I'm human. I've weighed in on both sides of the fence at one time or another but this has been a great blow to me. So how do you get over those feelings of anger, bitterness, sadness, fear, and mistrust? That's a rhetorical question...but should you feel the need to comment...go ahead.

The Bible describes anger as residing "in the lap of fools" Ecclesiastes 7:9 or in the book of Jonah the Lord asks, "Have you any right to be angry?" 4:4. Gee, on the surface then I am an ungrateful fool. Yet closer look at each Scripture simply means anger should be slow in coming (if at all) and that God will bring you through the strife so why BE angry even if you feel you "deserve" to be angry? Hmm...I know we are to be Christ-like in our ways but I must say I am a knee-jerk-reaction kinda gal and ooo-WHEE is that hard when you are heated!

Sadness and all the other emotions are kinda covered here too. I know turning it over to God is the key but again...HUMAN here! Not an angel or living in Heaven! It's hard when this happens because it alters who you are. I am a different wife, mother, sister, friend. Currently I struggle to capture who I was only to realize that is not possible. I am forever altered. Now to adjust to the new me and use this to grow in all those areas and continue in faith.

I've heard others talk of betrayal and say, "Well...Jesus was betrayed and he forgave." Okay..I am SURE they think this is a good example but...we are talkin' Son of God here folks! He KNEW he would be betrayed. He said so at the Supper, He said so in the Garden of Gesthemene and He even prayed to His Father about it! My current bretrayal came out of the blue. SMACK! But they are right when they talk of forgiveness. We are called to forgive as Christians. Would that the rest of the World listened to that (but that is another topic). Matthew 6:14-15 says, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Mark 11:26 state basically the same. Ephesians 4:32 calls us to be kind, compassionate and forgiving to each other as Christ has done for us. Talk about another SMACK!

It is not easy to forgive or trust another when they have taken a trust given freely and without strings and smashed it but if you are a Christian then faith, belief and God's promises call you to act counter to how you, I, we as humans WANT to respond. Personally my first reaction was, "Convict them Lord! Make 'em suffer!" Yeah, so not the Christian attitude you would expect but...Now I am simply relying on Scripture to pull me through and help me rebuild the relationship or at least a tolerable exsistence for all concerned. We'll see. Just found some out more info. So it starts all over again! Sad thing is it appears I am not the only one being decieved. Many are being lied to or not being given a full truth. Does this person know how to or will they EVER be honest? Now how do you work through THAT?!

Great Accomplishments

I have been meaning to write this down for 3 weeks now just to put it to record and memory so...bare with me or move on...whichever.

Daniel has been fully potty trained (day AND night) for 3 weeks now!! I mean, he mastered the whole day thing but I was a bit worried about the nighttime training. I mean...how exactly was I supposed to accomplish that? But that boy is just smart so I didn't need to worry. Underpants on first night and been dry ever since. Bit sad at seeing him growing up but THRILLED at the same time at his accomplishment. Good on him! Yesterday he sat down with this book and started reading it to his sister!! I know he was reading it because we used to read it when he was younger. WOOHOO Daniel!!!

Miss Rebekah? Well, she's another story. Ever stubborn and obstinante. Hmm...kinda like Mommy. She has started her potty training phase but really would rather play IN the toilet than potty on it. Ah...well...Her strong spirit should serve her well in her life. Should also get her into some trouble. She laughs easily but loves with reserve. She's...beautiful.

Michael turned 6 months on the 12th and is going in for his check up tomorrow. He is rollin and sittin and just bein WAY too cute.

People always say how fast kids grow and man, do they. Because they are so close in age their babyhood seems a blur to me. I look at these little beings and am so proud of all they can do, are doing and will do. They ROCK!!!